Part 5

Fuck the King Fuck Judas Fuck the Princess Fuck Catakiller Fuck Grimrose Fuck Gutworm Fuck Bullbeast Fuck everyone I hate them I hate them I hate them.

Now I'm pissed. I've had it with these mysterious people dicking me around. I'm going to walk right into that throneroom and tell the King where he can shove his ORA stone. Fuck the King. Fuck. The. King.

: Hey, Jesus, I heard yesterday was your birthd--
: EAT SHIT
:

I kick open the door and walk into the King's antechamber with my knives drawn, ready to throw them like darts into his fat fucking eyes.

: You fucking prick. You and your shitstain, Judas, can go fuck yourselves for all I care. You cost me a night with the Princess and god damn if I haven't gotten laid in weeks -- and even then it was by some syphilitic whore with coldsores on her nipples. On her nipples. Now what the fuck do you have to say for yourself?

: You... fucking... shit. There is no way, no way that I will go to Water Castle. I would rather die. I would rather eat my own poo. I would rather eat my own poo while you watched and Judas called me a little bitch. There is nothing you can do that would make me go to Water Castle.
: I'll cut off your penis and feed it to that lunatic bartender.
: ...

So as it turns out, Water Castle is on the other side of the West Village, which is, of course, filled with baddies looking to kill me, and you know what? I'm okay with that. VV

Halfway through, however, there's an impassable wall. Luckily, there's also a set of stairs conveniently placed just below. I guess whoever built these small sand moguls decided that rather than just tear them down to make crossing the entire village in one trip easier, it would just benefit the town to instead build a dungeon between both sides. You really can't argue with that logic.

AHHHHHH, RED! ! ! ! !

Outside the small dungeon and a little further on, I start to realize why they call this Water Castle. As I cross the bridge, I stop to watch the poor enemies trapped on their little personal islands. It really is a shame, you know? They just work and kiss ass their whole pitiful lives for the chance to kill a hero or capture a princess or steal a magic rock, and how do they get repaid? By being airlifted onto a 2"x2" swath of earth on which they have to remain until the job is done or they're dead. Someone should lead them to victory against their capitalist oppressors -- organize a union and make this kind of mistreatment illegal, so no longer will any alien have to survive harsh conditions just to make a decent wage.

Then one of them throws a knife at my head, and I butcher the whole fucking lot of those worthless faggots.

At last, a castle that isn't identical to the other models in the game. This Tigerbeast must be one classy fellow to live in this featureless slab of brick.

Have you ever been electrocuted by statues shaped like the heads of snakes? Oh... of course not... me either. I don't know why I brought that up.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

I reiterate: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

This is the Tigerbeast. Basically, the entire fight consists of him chasing you down this corridor. He runs much faster than you and if you even try to run, he kills you so fast that you don't really have a chance. In my many years of playing this game, I have found only one surefire way to beat him: ignore the massive damage you're taking. That's right, you just stand right in front of him as he plows you and throw knives right back. You die two or three times, sure, but that's why we adventurers have multiple lives and bosses don't.

I have to admit, I wiped a tear away in sadness when I realized I had just poached a majestic tiger for his prized sequin. Who's the real vicious, clawed anthropomorphic monster here?

One day... this war's going to end.


Next Time: Actually, this'll probably be the last update of this since it's as far as I've pre-written and I'm pretty sure nobody's even reading this. Maybe I'll come back to it once the game comes out on the Virtual Console and people are actually interested.